Frog Kissing 101

Orientation

This year I turned 34. One thing I thought I would have by now is a husband, but I've been so busy working, working out and worrying about everything that I forgot. So today, January 1st, 2010 starts my
quest to find a husband. Obviously, I've been doing something wrong so I will employ resources to
educate me including books, articles, an online dating service, a life coach and advice from my followers (if I ever get any). I will record what works and what doesn't work when it come to meeting and dating men. I will also be working on my “wife skills” which will include learning how to cook, learning about sports and improving my bottom line – my financial well-being, as well as, my actual bottom line – I have to do something about this butt. On any account, my goal is to meet a man, fall madly in love and get engaged in 365 days. That's January 1st, 2011.

As to not overwhelm myself, as I usually do, I'm going to start with just a few resources:

The Book, Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (Wife Skill #1: Cooking)
The Book, The Ultimate Cellulite Solution (Bottom Line)
Join the online dating service, eHamony.

Oh, and it wouldn't be a new year without a new year's resolution to behoove my goal: NO MORE SLEEPING WITH MY EX-BOYFRINED!!! NO MATTER WHAT! Because HE WILL NEVER MARRY ME! Inner Mantra: I must let go of the past and embrace life's opportunities. And so it begins: the life and times of the Frog Kisser.

Full Moon

I do not like being told what to do

Even when the voice is right

I get pissed

I am uncertain, but walking down
the path you lay before me

I'm still pissed

Why am I here?

Still more change?

When is it right?

When do I get the house, the husband, the shoes with the red bottoms – I'm so uncool I don't even know what they're called

I'm pissed

College, lovers, teachings, sorrows

of all I am grateful

But what's next?

I want purpose

I want success

I want what's mine, but

I'm weak

Looking for strengthen
Looking for guidance

Waiting

I will wait

Patience is my lesson

Square Peg, Round Hole

I obviously haven't written in a long while. I've been feeling, cranky, unmotivated and stuck. My life coach has given me the task of writing a letter TO myself FROM myself about the end of my previous relationship. Sounds stupid, but I'm a good girl so I will do my homework...

Dear Me,

So you broke up, get over it! OK, not very compassionate to myself. Let's try again.
It is always sad when a relationship ends. Especially if it was 5 ½ years long and you're now 34, single and your eggs are provably shriveled up already! OK, calm down. I'm sure some of your eggs are still OK. You did do your best. And some parts were really, really fun. Like seeing his face for the first time, hiking at the dog park, our trip to Palm Springs for my birthday, grilling out all summer long and endless spooning. Some parts were even perfect like watching The Big Lebowski over and over and over again!

Inevitably things changed, got complicated and didn't work anymore. Why would he say he wanted to be together, but then be a jerk? Why? Why do guys say one thing, but then do another? Maybe he did want to be together, but subconsciously knew you needed to move on? Maybe he acted like a jerk so you would leave him because he knew he would never be able to leave you. You'll never really know, but I do know he love you/me.

Sometime making a relationship work is like trying to put a round peg in a square hole. Just doesn't work. No one's fault. In the end it was all worth it. Even the broken-heart parts. I was really lucky to have know him so well. I was lucky to be loved so much. There are no regrets. I didn't leave a moment too soon and no time was wasted. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now.

Sincerely,
You/me

 

 
 
  
  
  
  
 

Tantrum

Learning to cook is not fun It is too hard. Turns out "Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” is a VEGAN book! There was nothing on Amazon.com or the book jacket saying it was vegan. I'm so irritated. Why is it that vegans try to convert you and make you eat tofu served 500 different ways? I just want some damn chicken. Ugh. I'm going to the bookstore to get a different cook book...

The book store was extremely stressful. I was drowning in a sea of cook books. I didn't know which one to choose. There were obviously healthy cookbooks, but it seems like so much work and the quick meal recipes always involved a can of Campbell's soup. Yuck. It's just like they say, most people have the best of intentions with new year resolutions and plans, but fail by the end of the month. It's January 25^th! I'm guess I'm most people. It's just that I'm COMPLELY UNMOTIVED! I haven't really stuck to any of my plans. I bought this expensive cellulite cream which I'm supposed to apply every AM and PM. But it's such a pain. I don't want to rub lotion on my butt before I go to bed. I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep. I don't feel like walking around my apartment naked for 15 minutes trying to dry the lotion so the sheets wont' stick to my ass. I've also been completed unmotivated to log in to my Match.com or eHarmony, Dating is hard too and I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! I don't feel like cooking, exercising or meeting new people. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to go buy some shoes.

 

False Start

 Why is it that every time you are really ready to move on the EX always creeps in? He emails me and calls me to tell me how much he loves me, but I know the relationship won't work so it's just torture. Ugh. It's always such a long stupid story about WHY it didn't work out...it's he did this or I did that or it's the age difference or we want different things or we grew in different directions, but who really knows WHY a relation doesn't work out? If it worked before, for years even and then stops working...WHY?

And perfect timing -- I was supposed to have my first date tonight with the match.com guy, but I canceled. I just really, really wasn't in the mood. I'm not ready. I just need one more week. I'm going to keep busy with my books. I'll start one tomorrow, Skinny Bitch in the Kitch. Learning to cook might be fun.

Match.com vs. eHarmony

Match.com kicks eHarmony's ASS!

I have my first date scheduled for Monday. Sushi with a 36 year old marketing professional.  Details to follow...

Match.com

I know it's only been a few days on eHarmony, but out of my 90 matches I'm not interested in even going on a date with any of them. No one is...sponge worthy. I'm going to try match.com – will report back...

There are cute guys on match! Setting up my profile. Here is my “About Me”...

I'm a happy person, but I'm looking for a partner in crime. Someone who is up for hanging out and trying new things! Being really active some days like hiking, working out and going out. But then being lazy some days too like watching movies, playing wii and taking naps. Living a healthy lifestyle is important to me, but a splurge and a few martinis makes for a well rounded weekend. I enjoy the little things in life like a good cup of coffee, a walk outside and people watching. I love to travel, but just going to Target can be fun too. Life is want you make it.

I love my work, but I work too much and want to play more. I'm from Virginia, but am liberal in my political views. I am a loyal person and a good friend. I'm looking for a guy who knows being in a relationship does not have to be boring - it can make life more fun! I also like to try new restaurants and am trying to learn to cook!

What do you think? I don't sound desperate do I? I think I sound fun, but not slutty fun. Girl next door fun. I put in there that I like to work out so they won't think I'm a fatty. I also implied that I would like to work out together so they know I don't want a fatty. I also think it's good that I said I like to be lazy sometimes, because I don't need a camp counselor trying to get me to do stupid shit all the time. A medium amount of activity is good, but not a bum. I've had boyfriends who I can barley talk into putting on pants much less take my out! Also, I said “life is what you make it,” so no sad sacks who need a cheerleader all the time. My pomp pomps are retired.

Then is says “Dating Headline.” What the hell is this? I don't' know what to say: Fun Girl? That makes me sound a like a playboy slutty girl. Ahhhhh, fun, but not inappropriate fun?

My profile takes 24 hours to become active. I'll report back. I'm excited :)

eHarmony

I'm still waiting for my books from Amazon, so joining eHarmony makes it to the top of my task list. Wow, I didn't know it would take the whole afternoon to complete my profile!  I think I did a good job. I didn't know if I should answer the questions as the person I am or the person I want to be - a little variance. I tried to be honest, except with my age. I tried to put I was 30 instead of 34, but I'm a dig-dong and I can't do math so I accidentally put I was 38! I “verified” it and now I don't know how to fix it. I have to wait until Monday to call customer service.

I checked out my matches, mostly just looking at the profile pictures and heights. I really don't want to date any guy less than 5'10”. 6'2” is my favorite height. Anything above 6'3” is too giraffe like for me. I was a little disappointed with the results so far (just one day). I don't want to be shallow, but nobody was really good looking. And I'm dumbfounded at the photographs men select for their profile pictures. If I could school them I would say: First, please do not use any pictures of yourself with your EX-GIRLFRIEND. Even if you cut her out so it's only her hair I see on the side of your face I still know who it is. Also, if you only have one profile picture do not have other people in the picture with you – I don't' know who you are, remember? Also, make sure any friends in the photo are NOT better looking than you. Please do not use a photo of you at the beach or skiing where you are really far away and you look small like a peanut. Also, no costumes - one guy was dressed as a lepercon. And finally, I know drinking is fun. I like to drink sometimes too, but if you're holding up a beer in EVERY photo I'm going to assume you have a problem.

I know it a person's character that counts, but I just can't help it. I need a good looking man. This is probably why I stayed with my EX for so long – because he was so good looking. Hot even. Great brown eyes and brown hair, cute smile, tall, 6 pack abs, just a body you want too...STOP!! Inner Mantra: I must let go of the past and embrace life's opportunities.